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August 2003

Rabbi Stephanie Dickstein, LMSW, Pastoral Coordinator, Shira Ruskay Center

Tisha b’Av, our communal experience of mourning, reminds us that we need structured rituals of mourning on both communal and individual levels. Mourning and renewal are inextricably linked. Grieving forces us to confront our own mortality and the meaning of people and things we value most, putting our priorities in order and giving us the impetus to make necessary changes, even when difficult.

Rituals guide us through this process. With Tisha b’Av, we start well before the day of mourning, preparing ourselves by restricting our social joy and physical pleasure. On the actual day, we fast and observe other restrictions. However, by the afternoon, we already begin to look forward. By the next day, our mourning is replaced by the seven weeks of consolation, hope and reflection leading up to Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, and encouraging our efforts at teshuva. Often translated as "repentance," teshuva's core meaning is "returning," examining our place in life's journey, asking where we need to go in the coming year.

With individual loss, the restrictions and mourning rituals follow the loss. We immediately refrain from foods that represent joy. The funeral forces our first confrontation with the absolute nature of the loss. During shiva, life slows to the essence of grief: crying, silence and telling stories. Then, slowly the mourner emerges from the cocoon of shiva. Daily Kaddish, not attending parties and festive events for at least 30 days and up to a year remind us that grieving takes effort, time and space. Slowly, old pleasures are re-encountered; new routines are shaped. But, without warning, there are moments when we mourn our loved one as if it were the first day. In this way, we go forward.

Coming before or after the loss, these mourning rituals heighten our awareness of what is important in life and equip us to successfully undertake teshuva, the renewal of our efforts to live a just, meaningful life. We allow ourselves to fully mourn in order to fully live.

These "Spirituality Notes" are excerpts from our monthly E-newsletter. Articles are © JBFCS Rita J. Kaplan Jewish Connections Programs and may be reprinted free of charge as long as this credit line is included.

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